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Sexual healing

When the sex drive of one partner in a couple suddenly diminishes it can cause problems. Although it’s often women who lose interest in sex, men can also be affected. Here we ask Dr Andrew Evennett about what can be done.

‘Dear Jane, My husband thinks I don’t love him any more, and who can blame him? I’ve lost all interest in sex and the only thing I want to do in bed is read my book or watch TV. What’s gone wrong?’

Pick up a handful of women’s magazines, and you will usually find at least one ‘problem page’ letter like this. But the Agony Aunts’ standard advice – that going off sex is a sign that you have an underlying problem in your relationship – is often way off the mark, says Dr Andrew Evennett, a GP from Cheshire.

“It’s not unusual for women to think there’s something wrong with them when actually their decreased interest in sex may be perfectly normal,” says Dr Evennett. “The stress and exhaustion of modern living can take their toll on a woman’s sex drive.”

Male and female sex drives tend to be quite different too. Many men feel ready for sex whatever kind of day they have had. On the other hand, most women need to be in the right mood. Problems can arise when a woman starts to think her partner is being over-demanding, or he thinks she’s deliberately cold by not meeting his needs.

Help is at hand

There are a number of things you can do to help yourself (see ‘How to re-charge your sex life,’) but if this fails it’s always worth talking to your doctor about the problem – if only to be reassured that you’re normal. If your lack of sex drive is causing problems in your relationship, it may actually be your partner who needs to be more understanding and sensitive, and counselling can often help with this.

Your doctor will also be able to look into possible medical causes. For instance, any illness that drains your energy will also sap your sex drive. There are certain times in life when it’s natural to feel less interested in sex – like when a woman’s recently had a baby. Medical causes in women include hormonal problems like low oestrogen, which is common around menopause, amongst others. Many of these can be treated by your doctor.

Some prescription medicines also affect sex drive. For example, some antidepressants, certain hormonal treatments, and some medicines to control blood pressure are known to decrease sex drive, and your doctor may be able to suggest alternatives.

Tracey's story

Tracey Siever from Aylesbury is 36. Here she tells how she found a solution to her sudden disinterest in sex after the birth of her three sons.    

     

"After the birth of my third son, Matthew, I never regained my appetite for sex. My husband David, who’s now 40, and I already had two young boys and we’d enjoyed a normal sex life within months of their births. Having three little boys was exhausting and stressful, and my doctor thought I might be freezing up because I was frightened I’d become pregnant again. I decided to be sterilised but after the op I felt no different. David and I would go for six months at a time without making love. And when we did have sex I was never fully aroused. This went on for over four years and David was convinced I was having an affair – he couldn’t believe I didn’t miss sex like he did. We even had a year of counselling because my disinterest was causing so many rows. Talking to someone else helped David understand that my feelings for him hadn’t changed, but it didn’t help my poor sex drive".

"I was beginning to think of sex as something ‘we used to do’. Then, three years ago, I heard a doctor on television talking about low sex drive being linked to mild depression and lack of energy. He said taking the herbal anti-depressant St John’s Wort often helped. I thought I’d give it a try and was amazed at the results. It took about a year to kick in fully and I found I had more energy and was generally happier too. Without knowing it, I had been mildly depressed and tired". 

"Although I didn’t start feeling sexy again overnight, it gradually dawned on me that David and I were making love more often and it was no longer an ‘issue’. Sex was more enjoyable for me too".

Herbal remedies

The following treatments have all been shown to have a positive affect on sex drive in scientific trials:

  • St John’s Wort has been shown to increase low sex drive by boosting self-esteem and relieving exhaustion, anxiety and irritability.  
  • Muira Puama, a herb which grows in Brazil, has been used for many centuries to increase sexual appetite. You can find it in preparations like Herbal V, which is currently used to treat impotent men and is currently being tested in women.
  • Ginkyo boosts circulation to the extremities and can thus improve sexual feeling. American studies also suggest that it can help restore sex drive where it’s been drained by anti-depressants like Prozac.

These remedies are all available at pharmacies.

Dr Sarah Brewer, author of ‘Increase Your Sex Drive’ (Thorsons, £7.99), says there’s no guarantee that taking a remedy will solve your problems and you should always see a doctor to rule out underlying medical reasons for your loss of sex drive. 

Men suffer with loss of libido too !

Stress, depression, and preoccupation with work can all interfere with a man’s libido. And the emphasis on male sexual performance doesn’t help – sadly the anxiety over getting and keeping an erection is enough to dampen any man’s sexual enthusiasm. Lifestyle has a big affect on sex drive in men – too much alcohol, smoking or a poor diet can all be factors, and stress is a real sex killer. Medical problems can include low levels of the male hormone testosterone, which can happen after ‘shock’ to the testes (e.g. inflammation after a bout of mumps). If following the appropriate self-help tips.

 

How to recharge your sex life:

  • Learn to tackle stress -Stress and depression are the biggest passion killers going. Talk to your partner, a friend or even your practice nurse about any worries. Learning to relax is important too – give yoga or meditation a go – while taking exercise also helps. Speak to your doctor if you think you need counselling.
  • Make your diet more ‘sexy’ - It’s thought a lack of zinc and vitamins B and E can lower your sex drive – take plenty of seafood, unprocessed grains, nuts, seeds and pulses, raw fruit and vegetables, eggs and fresh fruit juice.
  • Give up cigarettes and cut down on caffeine and alcohol - This is especially important in women who suffer with PMT (premenstrual tension), which often affects sex drive. Caffeine, nicotine and alcohol can make the symptoms worse and the lack of interest in sex can spill over to the whole month.
  • Change your birth control pill - You would expect women to be more interested in sex around the time they ovulate (in the middle of their cycle) but some oral contraceptives – especially the ‘anti-androgen’ variety – can drain their sex drive completely. Pills containing ‘levonorgestrel’ have the opposite effect and can actually increase sex drive – it’s definitely worth shopping around.