Qualified psychosexual therapist and relationship counsellor Julia Cole gained experience counselling for Relate – the relationship counselling charity. Julia recently became Development Director with the Pennell Initiative for Women’s Health – a new charity aimed at championing the health rights of women during the menopause and beyond. She now writes and broadcasts widely on relationship problems. Julia’s currently Agony Aunt for Candis magazine and BBC Wiltshire Sound – and has contributed to Essentials and Best magazines, the BBC Education Web Site, New Woman, The Mirror, The Daily Mail, and The Express. She’s also written a number of books and regularly contributes to national radio and TV programmes.
Q: Is it normal that my 14-year-old son seems to masturbate all the time? I am a single mother and I don’t have any brothers or a close man friend I can ask.
A: It depends what you mean by ‘all the time’. At 14 your son is just discovering the pleasures of sexual arousal and may well be masturbating every day. This is completely normal and will not harm him in anyway. If you mean he’s masturbating publicly, or in a way that you find offensive, then he does need to know that this is not appropriate. Explain why he should not masturbate openly and ask him to choose a private time and space to masturbate. Very occasionally, a teenager will develop compulsive behaviour towards masturbation. They may feel they have to masturbate at certain times, or feel overwhelmed by obsessive sexual thoughts that are disturbing and unwanted. If this seems to apply to your son’s behaviour you should seek help from your GP who may be able to put you in touch with a cognitive-behavioural therapist. This kind of therapy is extremely helpful for obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviour of all kinds.
Q: I’ve noticed that one of my breasts is bigger than the other one. Is this normal?
A: Yes, it is normal for a woman to have one breast larger than the other in the same way that some people may have one foot slightly larger than the other. It’s all part of being a unique human being! Sometimes the difference is more marked during puberty. Often the slight difference in size evens out when the woman reaches maturity. If you feel that the difference is very marked you may wish to consider cosmetic surgery. This kind of surgery is not usually available under the NHS, so you may need to weigh up the cost of a private operation against living with your breasts as they are. If you want to know more about cosmetic surgery, talk things through with your GP. If you want to know more about breast image and how to choose a cosmetic surgeon, access the Surgery Door Magazine.
Q: I am a woman of 46 and had a hysterectomy a year ago. I feel that the quality of my orgasm has changed since the operation. It does not seem so intense, and I am often left wanting more. Could the operation have changed anything?
A: This is not an easy question to answer as a number of factors could be contributing to your perception of your orgasms. For instance, you could have subtly altered your feelings about sex since the operation and not be getting the most out of your lovemaking. Or you may have a new partner who you are still developing a sexual relationship with. But it is possible that if you had your cervix removed during the hysterectomy that you are experiencing a different sensation when you reach orgasm. The cervix does play a role in a woman’s arousal process and contracts rhythmically during orgasm. Some women claim that they feel sensations from the cervix and the womb itself during orgasm. If you were one of these women, your perception of a change would be real. Try slowing down lovemaking, ensuring that you are fully aroused, before attempting intercourse. I also suggest some private self-stimulation so you can rediscover what arouses you and allows you to experience a satisfying orgasm.
Q: My penis has a slight bend in it. It has always bent slightly when erect, but my new girlfriend thinks this is odd. Should I be worried?
A: Most men have a slight bend in the erect penis. It is a normal occurrence and does not normally interfere with intercourse or arousal. Occasionally, a bend in the penis that develops later in life indicates a physical problem and should be checked with a GP. Unless it changes dramatically in the near future you have nothing to worry about. It sounds as if it is your girlfriend who may have the problem rather than you. If she is sexually inexperienced she may have been expecting a ramrod straight penis. You can help her by explaining that all penises are unique, and individual to the man they belong to.
Q: My partner and I often share sexual fantasies about making love to other people. Now he wants to act one out, but I feel very uncomfortable about this. He feels it will improve our sex life, but I think it could spell disaster for the two of us.
A: So do I. Sexual fantasies are often best kept as fantasies unless the acting out is harmless – dressing as a French maid, for example. Turning a fantasy into reality when it involves others often sets up a scenario for jealousy, lack of trust and a loss of confidence in the relationship, not to mention the possibility of a sexually transmitted disease. Follow your instincts and say no. It may mean some tension between the two of you, but you could use this time to sort out the true basis of your relationship.
Q: I am a sixteen-year-old girl. I have a seventeen-year-old boyfriend and we enjoy petting and caressing each other to a climax. We have not had intercourse because I am worried about getting pregnant. My friend recently told me you could still get pregnant if some sperm goes on the outside of the vagina. Is this true?
A: Yes, it is possible to become pregnant if some fresh sperm gets onto or very close to the entrance of the vagina. Some so-called ‘virgin births’ are actually the result of this kind of petting. Avoid putting the penis close to the entrance to the vagina, and do not put your hands near the vaginal entrance if they have any sperm on them. It sounds as if you could benefit from learning a bit more about contraception. Contact the Family Planning Association on Tel: 020 7837 5432 or use their web site. This organisation will help you whether you are planning to start a family or are in a permanent relationship or not.
